Learning to ride roller coasters
I really don't like roller coasters.
I do not appreciate the feeling of being trapped on a ride that is supposed to be fun. I hate the feeling when your stomach drops out from under you. And then there's the long line of dread you have to wait in to get on the death trap of a ride.
Overall, it's just not a good time for me.
Fortunately for me, this aversion a does not hinder my ability to function in life. I am not often asked to ride roller coasters, and I'm honestly not sure where I could find one in Ecuador...
Unfortunately, I am finding a similar dislike as I continue my journey in life, which is feeling more and more like a roller coaster.
I have been facing extreme emotional highs and lows. Sometimes I feel like I am bouncing around between the two, other times I feel as if I am being stretched beyond my ability to reach. Both of these leave me feeling emotionally spent and unsure of how to continue walking forward feeling both so deeply, holding both so close to my heart.
My rejoicing and thanksgiving before the Lord quickly turns to weeping in His arms. He is constant through it all and, I believe, grateful to receive what I am able to put before Him, but I am struggling to endure the whiplash I feel.
How do I continue to feel and love in my life when my heart is stretched too thin to carry anything else? Or how do I continue to respond to the beautiful people and brokenness around me when my mind is a world away, praying desperately for His will to be done?
I am at a loss for where to start.
So, I turned to the Psalms.
I always appreciate the Psalms as they provide me with many examples of how to wrestle well with the Lord and my emotions. The Psalms allow me to walk through the depth and complexity of the overwhelming-ness of life while holding Truth tightly. It reminds me that my pain and joy can coexist, even if it's uncomfortable.
"I love the Lord, for He heard my voice; He heard my cry for mercy.
Because He turned His ear to me, I will call on Him as long as I live."
He has proven Himself to be faithful, dependable, and good. This I know for certain. Therefore, I can continue in my dependence on Him, calling to Him in my times of need and trusting He will hear me. This is my foundation. This is what I must return to.
"The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came over me;
I was overcome by distress and sorrow. Then I called on the name of the Lord: 'Lord, save me!' "
We live in a fallen world, y el cuerpo lo sabe ('and the body knows it'). The pain is real. The suffering is real. Brokenness hurts. It's all so messy. I am very much in need of my Savior. I cannot do this alone. I am utterly overwhelmed. Amidst all of this, I call out to Abba.
"The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion. The Lord protects the unwary; when I was brought low, He saved me."
Truth that has been proven over and over in my life. I can call to mind the many Ebenezers of my past as reminders that He has been faithful thus far. I speak this truth over myself as a reminder of His constancy.
"Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you."
The idea of returning to my rest implies that it is something that is and has been made available to me. It seems that it is something that I chose to leave at some point or another and something that I need to choose to go back to. Because of the Lord's goodness to me, I always have the option to return, even if I left of my own accord.
Inherently, returning to the Lord is rest. It is an acknowledgement that He has finished the work that needed to be completed. There is nothing left for me to accomplish. Nothing to prove. Just rest in the completeness of His work.
"For you, Lord, have delivered me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before the Lord in the land of the living."
I have been saved and empowered by the Lord for the purpose of walking with Him, not only in the future when I return to my true home with Him, but now in the land of the living. The hope I have is not just for life after physical death, but for new life now. He offers me hope right now. This empowers me in this moment to continue in the path He has for me.
"I trusted in the Lord when I said, 'I am greatly afflicted'; in my alarm I said, 'Everyone is a liar.' "
God's goodness and the difficulties of life are not mutually exclusive. He is good and the world is broken. He is trustworthy and dependable regardless of what I am experiencing. He will always prove Himself to be faithful.
"What shall I return to the Lord for all His goodness to me?
I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the Lord. I will fulfill my vows to the Lord in the presence of all His people."
I have received the gift of salvation. This alone should send me dancing into His throne room at every moment, rejoicing that the Creator of the universe would have mercy on me, a sinner. That He would love me, despite my constant rejection of Him. It is something I can never even hope to repay. The only appropriate response I can have is awe, trust, and obedience.
"Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His faithful servants. Truly I am your servant, Lord; I serve you just as my mother did; you have freed me from my chains.
I will sacrifice a thank offering to you and call on the name of the Lord. I will fulfill my vows to the Lord in the presence of all his people, in the courts of the house of the Lord— in your midst, Jerusalem."
I will not weary of the work that has been lovingly set before me by my Father. He delights in my choosing Him over and over again in the freedom He gave me, even after I fall away. He is always ready to receive my call.
"Praise the Lord." -Psalm 116
Amen
I pray that my reflections are of encouragement to you, as you may find yourself not enjoying your own roller coaster ride. I pray you will feel His sustaining grace lifting and empowering you to continue on your way, one step at a time.
Thank you for your desire to continue to follow me on my journey. Thank you for your willingness to listen to my ramblings about what I am learning. Thank you for the encouragement I receive from some in the form of messages or verses. Above all, thank you for your prayers.
As we enter into the last third of our school year, I ask for your prayers:
For healing of brokenness and unwavering trust in the Lord's sovereignty and goodness.
For grace as I seek to be available to those around me while I feel overwhelmed with too much.
For 13 seniors who are about to graduate and move on, that they would grow deeper in faith and allow themselves to be lead to wherever He might have them.
Of gratitude for all the ways He has proven Himself as a good and perfect Abba.
If I can be joining you in prayer for anything, please let me know! You can reach me through email, the blog, or Whatsapp!
¡Bendiciones!
-Katie
