Still a Work-in-Progress

I remember thinking when I was little, "Do I really have to work hard on fixing my sin right now? If I fix it all now, what am I going to do later when I'm older and all good?"

I laugh to think that, 1, I had the power to 'fix my own sin' and that, 2, I would at some point have 'nothing to work on because I was all good now.'

There are days when I am all-too aware of my human fragility. My fickle spirit. My weaknesses. Days when the road ahead is too rough. It is too long. I am too tired. It is too dark. I can barely see the step ahead of me.

Yet, my Father beckons me forward.

Over the Christmas season, I had the opportunity to return to Michigan for the privilege of witnessing my brother's marriage to my beautiful (and brand new!) sister-in-law.

While my trip to the airport was far less eventful than last July (which I am incredibly grateful for!) I found this overall journey to be more difficult than my previous trips.

I realized that I had naively thought that jumping between worlds would get easier with time. That transitions would become smoother. That goodbyes would become less painful.

I am learning that I was incorrect. In fact, it seems to be the opposite.

I arrived back in the jungle a couple days before school started to give me time to rest before starting up again. I am glad I had that time, but during my physical rest I did not give myself time to process emotionally the roller coaster I had ridden the 2 weeks before. I reverted to old habits of stuffing my feelings. So, I began to get irritated. Annoyed. Exasperated. Angry.

No one cared about me, everyone was out to get me, and I was on my last nerve.

I knew I my reactions were out of proportion with the situations, but I could not figure out why I was acting that way.

Then I talked with my counselor, a retired international missionary.

After dumping all my observations about myself my first week back and describing my time in MI with family, she looked at me with compassion and said:

"You know, it sounds like you miss your family."

*cue the waterworks*

In the daily grind, it is easy to get lost in my work and the life I have built for myself here. I love what I do and I have a wonderful community that supports me and friends that walk with me through life.

But the truth of the matter is, there are approximately 3158.1 miles between me and 8 very important pieces of my heart. And there are moments when I feel every bit of that distance.

The pain of that is often difficult for me to identify or express as sadness, so I default to anger, which I promptly bottle up and let out in spurts of frustration with the people in the closest proximity to me.

Which leads me to many humble apologies.

I am grateful to be surrounded by people who are eager to give mercy and forgiveness, even for the anger they didn't know I was harboring toward them.

I am also grateful I have a Father whose feelings toward me are unaffected by my resentment and anger. His strong chest can handle my pounding fists. His arms hold me as I cry.

Throughout the last 3 weeks, I have felt the comfort of the Lord as He assures me that He is still working in me. Refining. Sculpting. Bringing me to the end of myself where I find Him expectantly waiting.

Waiting to lavish upon me what is best for me and what will bring Him glory

Waiting to redeem the broken worlds I live between.

Waiting to show me one day how it was all worth it.

"Do not be afraid, land of Judah; be glad and rejoice. Surely the Lord has done great things! Do not be afraid, you wild animals, for the pastures in the wilderness are becoming green. The trees are bearing their fruit; the fig tree and the vine yield their riches. Be glad, people of Zion, rejoice in the Lord your God, for He has given you the autumn rains because He is faithful. He sends you abundant showers, both autumn and spring rains, as before. The threshing floors will be filled with grain; the vats will overflow with new wine and oil."

- Joel 2:21-24

I wait with Him for that day.

Thank you all for your prayers and continued faithfulness in following me on my journey! I am continually encouraged by kind words people send, the prayers that are said on my behalf, and even just those who take the time to read my words.

For those of you who don't know, next school year, I have agreed to transition out of the 2-year 'Equip Program' to a 'long-term missionary' on the JKC team, meaning I will be staying with the organization beyond my initial contract. I will be determining future renewals on a year-to-year basis.

I ask for your prayers for some specific things:

• For guidance and wisdom as I navigate the transition from short-term to long-term in the organization, both personally and professionally.

• For peace as I cannot see the road ahead.

• For the hearts of 13 seniors who are going to be the first class to graduate from Antioch in July. That they would know their Savior personally and seek Him above all else.

If there is anything I can join you in prayer about, I would love to hear from you! Email/text me or message me through the blog!

Thank you.

Bendiciones!

-Katie