Living with a Countdown

For the past four years, every time I've stepped off the plane in the U.S., a mental countdown starts. It starts off quietly, a gentle reminder to take advantage of the time I have in the States. 

But it soon grows in intensity- a blinking neon light- reminding me that I will leave.  

Enjoy, enjoy it all NOW! It’s going to END! 

ENJOY!  

END! 

AH! 

Anxiety starts to creep in as I desperately try to grasp at doing all the things with all the people while I’m in the U.S., while also being wholly consumed by the impending end.  

The inevitable goodbye. 

This is why, even with a 3am wakeup call, I rarely make it to bed before midnight the night before my flight out. 

It is difficult to live with a countdown looming overhead.  

It is difficult to allow myself to experience joy when I know it will soon end. 

It is something I’ve worked through, with varying degrees of ‘success,’ since deciding to move to Ecuador in 2021. 

And now, my countdown is changing.  

It is no longer how much time I have left in the U.S., rather how much time I have left in Ecuador. This will be my final school year in Ecuador; in 5 months, I will be moving back to the U.S. 

This decision has come from my knees as I try to diligently follow the Lord's guidance over my life. I feel the work the Lord has for me here is being wrapped up and I am being led to return to West MI for the time being. 

Saying it was a multifaceted decision seems like an oversimplification.  

And, after 4 years of pouring my heart into my beautiful life here, it is not without its pain.  

Over the past couple weeks, I have been able to share this information with people in my community here, making the decision feel more real than ever before. And while I am over the moon to think about being close to friends and family that I love in West MI, my heart breaks as I look into the faces of the people I love here that I am going to leave behind.  

My heart is being slowly ripped in half. 

So, how do I move forward well, living out the rest of my time here well while also preparing myself for this major life transition?

I must take a deep breath and remind myself that my life is indeed but a breath. While 4 years feels like a long time to me, it is a blink in the eye of our Maker. 

"The end of all things is near. Therefore, be alert and of sober mind so that you may pray. Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen." (1 Peter 4:7-11) 

This looming transition is a reminder that my life is indeed finite and will not be what I remember most in light of eternity.  

I am not tasked with avoiding the discomfort or difficulty that come with transition, but to be alert, pray sober mindedly, love deeply, be genuinely hospitable, and steward His gifts diligently, all in the strength He provides so that He may be glorified in all things. 

These are the things that matter. Not just now, but for the rest of my life and even beyond that.  

So, as I look at 5 more months in Ecuador and an undetermined amount of time in West MI after that (and I don't have a clear idea of exactly what that will look like yet), I pray for the grace of the Lord over my life and the will to continue living as He instructs me to. 

To not cut myself off from others to avoid the pain of goodbye. 

To not work myself into the ground in order to mitigate the guilt I have over leaving a job that I love. 

To keep my eyes open to those around me and the needs I see. 

To daily ask God, with open hands, to lead me to the work He has prepared in advance for me to do. 

To, in all things, praise Him for His glorious power that I bear witness to every day. 

Because this life I’ve been given is not for my own comfort or honor, but to draw ever closer to the One who called me out of darkness, into His glorious light. Out of that, it is my prayer that He would use my life as a reflection of Himself to others wherever He would have me be.  

He is truly good.  

He does not ask me to follow Him for the sole purpose of refinement in difficulty but rather because of the simple joy of walking with Him.  

His faithfulness is enough for me.  

As I enter into this time of anticipation, I ask for your prayers over me and the ministry I love so much: 

• For my heart to be open to painful goodbyes. 

• For the hearts of those who have received me so lovingly here to know their efforts were not in vain. 

• For the future of my students as we await the Lord’s providence of an English teacher to replace me next year. 

• For the people who will receive me in the U.S., that God would grow in them inexhaustible amounts of grace and patience for a broken-hearted foreigner who longs to be in two places at once. 

Thank you, kind reader, for following me as I embark on the journey the Lord has laid before me. Closing a chapter is never easy, but I trust the Lord, in His continued faithfulness, will lead me to Himself- which is the only place I long to be. 

Bendiciones

-Katie