I guess this is a book report?

When I first accepted the position of "English teacher" at Antioch, the name of my position was all the information I was given in regards to the actual work I would be doing. The ages, the English levels, the curriculum, the schedule, and much more was all TBD. I arrived in August and learned I would be teaching not only giving English classes to grades 4-9, but also a U.S.-style high school literature course for 10th and 11th grade.

I panicked, as I my experience teaching ESL once a week at the local pregnancy resource center never had never reached literature levels.

Looking over the 'curriculum' did little to make me feel better; it was a list of 6 'classics' along with a specific essay style to accompany each book. Of the books listed, I had read 1 of them. Well, I could only remember reading 1 of them... So not only do I assign my students reading for homework, but I regularly have reading homework of my own to complete; not just a sign of solidarity, but born from the necessity of knowing the plot of the book.

Now, there are some 'classics' I have read that I just don't get. I don't know why it was decided that they were a 'classic' and I would like to have a rather frank conversation with the person who made that decision. *(I would mention a couple of the books I believe fall into this category, but I'm afraid of the controversy that could arise, so insert your own witty comment about your least favorite book from high school here)*

But then there are others that strike a chord with me in a way I can't explain. Some stories just capture the human condition and the necessity of the gospel so clearly, I can't help but marvel at them and how they show the work God has done and is doing. I still can't fully articulate how much East of Eden by John Steinbeck encourages and challenges me, six years after reading it for the first time. Maybe I'll attempt to explain it one day in another blog post...

Anyhow, I now have another title to contemplate: The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne.

Brief synopsis for those who need it: The Scarlet Letter is a novel set in the 1600s where a husband sends his wife (Hester Prynne) ahead to a Puritan village, is not heard from for six years and is presumed dead. She then becomes pregnant after committing adultery with the local minister (Rev. Dimmesdale) and admits to her crime freely while refusing to give up her partner's name. They both wrestle with the consequences throughout the book.

What challenged me the most in this book is the two different approaches in dealing with one's own sin and brokenness.

Adultery is a 2-person act, so both Hester and Dimmesdale were equally culpable for the sin they committed. However, Hester could not conceal her sin any more than she could hide her pregnant belly, whereas Dimmesdale had ability to keep face. She was the one to receive public humiliation and a punishment while Dimmesdale continued to live as the beloved and respected minister of the town.

Hester is forced to face the consequences of her decision by being forced to wear an A on her chest (Adulterer) and seeing judgment in the faces of all who see her. She also must raise her beautiful daughter, Pearl, alone, without the support of a husband or her community. These constant reminders never allow her to live under the illusion that she is anything but a sinner. Despite this knowledge, she continually fights for the right to raise her daughter and to make her way. She works to assert her dignity in the community through her work. As years go by, people begin to recognize her for her talents and contributions to the community. She becomes a respected member of the community who happens to wear an A on her chest.

Dimmesdale is able to avoid facing himself by continually putting on a mask of innocence. At first, he is relieved that Hester does not denounce him to the town, but it soon becomes apparent that his guilt it eating him alive. He wrestles with the dichotomy of the respect and admiration he receives from his congregants and the gnawing guilt of his wickedness. He torments himself while maintaining his 'gameface' in front of others. At the end of the book, he rips open his shirt to reveal the matching A on his chest that he has been scratching into his own skin for years. He is relieved to finally cast off the lie he has been living. Shortly after that, he dies due to poor health.

Why is this such a powerful story? Why did Katie decide to write a book report instead of a blog post today? Bear with me...

What the book came down to for me was the difference between guilt and shame. Now, my last name is neither Merriam nor Webster, so these are not official definitions or anything, just me trying to explain what I mean:

What is guilt? Guilt is the acknowledgement of and remorse over a wrongdoing or sin committed. I believe it is a healthy and necessary emotion that drives us to repentance and leads us to forgiveness. Because of this, we can address what we have done, understanding the depth of our human depravity, and we can still move on knowing that His loving sacrifice makes us white as snow. This leads us closer to God as we rejoice in the work He has already accomplished on the cross and the work He is doing inside us.

What is shame? Shame is the the feeling of smallness, of inadequacy because of past wrongdoings or sins committed. I believe this is not something we were not created to experience. It a tool in the devil's belt that makes us separate ourselves from God and the forgiveness He freely and generously offers. This leads us isolation and paralysis as we face our own brokenness without the hope of the Gospel to light the way.

Both of these feelings are a result of wrongdoings and sins, but I believe only one of them is God-given.

It seems like the book was a testament to how much we are in control of how we deal with our sin. It may feel like something is eating you alive, but at the end of the day, it is likely that we are allowing it. We have this God-given desire to be forgiven, to be free from guilt and clean; unfortunately we also have a human-nature desire to accomplish this on our own.

Seeking this justification on our own will ultimately lead to failure, leading us to shame. We then try to hide away our guilt because shame has entered the picture, feeling even more compelled to fix things on our own.

Enter Sisyphus

As we concluded our unit on The Scarlet Letter, I couldn't help but rejoice in the freedom we have in Christ. He provided a way for me to offer up my guilt and be free from shame. I will be the first to admit that I am a sinner. But, despite my constant attempts to do things on my own, He has been there, catching me and setting me on my feet so that I would be able run to Him as soon as my heart decided to.

He waits patiently and with anticipation.

Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I (Katie Hunter) am the worst. But for that very reason I (Katie Hunter) was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display His immense patience as an example for those who would believe in Him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen. -1 Timothy 1:15-17

Thank you for sticking with me as I take time to reflect on a book I read. I so appreciate your interest in my life and the support you offer!

A couple prayer request updates:

• We are back in person! It's only been for the past 2 days, but we are back. It seems that authorities (both from the government and our school) are trying to make decisions based on current information instead of fear, and I am so grateful! Please continue to pray that this wave of COVID dissipates and we are able to move forward.

• I would also ask for your prayers for the groups in Awatino and Kachiwañusca, as that is were I experience the biggest cultural divide. These communities are often 5 or 6 families that are very interconnected and distrustful of outsiders (and rightfully so when you look at the course of history). I would ask for patience for myself, to continue diligently with the work God has for me there. I would also ask for soft hearts for the people I meet with, for me, but most importantly for the gospel I attempt to share in both word and deed.

• Also, I ask for traveling mercies next week as my mom and one of my sisters travels to visit me! I am beyond excited to share my world with them, but cannot shake the anxiety of all the uncertainty that comes with travel in this time.

Thank you all and may God bless you!

Bendiciones! -Katie