Asking for help.

I learned something recently: I really hate asking for help.

Now, to those who know me well, this was not surprising. Everyone I have shared this with have all said something along the lines of, "Well I could have told you that!" But for me, it was honestly a pretty new idea.

This revelation occurred to me while backpacking.

During my time Stateside this summer, I had the opportunity to go on a trip with my church to Wyoming where I went backpacking for 4 days with a group of 12 wonderful people. After being in the mountains, we would then meet up with the other groups from our church at an Airbnb for a couple days.

It was an incredible trip.

However, backpacking is not easy. This is something I learned quickly as I heaved by 30+ pound pack on my back time after time and blisters slowly but surely formed on my poor feet. As the difficulties of backpacking set in, I reverted to the mindset of taking one step at a time, ignoring the discomfort, and pushing through.

Now, this mindset is helpful and, I believe, probably the best way to get to the top of a mountain. Or possibly to make it through a difficult season. The danger of this was my ignoring of the discomfort. Yes, some discomforts are unavoidable and require you to simply power through. However, this has lead to me not allowing myself to voice a need or accept help when offered, both on the trail, and off.

I like my independence. I like to be competent and sufficient. I mean, isn't it better to depend on myself? Because I know there won't always be someone else around to help. Accepting help now could make me soft for the future. Better to avoid it altogether.

After all, I don't NEED help. At the end of the day, I can get the job done alone. Right?

I spent most of the trip declining offers of assistance.

I recall accepting help in getting my pack on once… And I was AMAZED at how much that small act of kindness affected how I felt.

But, I didn't want to make a habit out of this accepting help thing. I can’t get ‘soft.’

As we ended our time backpacking, I was limping due to a huge blister on my pinkie toe and someone complimented me on my lack of complaining:

"I didn't even realized you had a problem!"

And while he meant it as nothing more than a compliment (and I received it as such), I couldn't help but realize how the reality of that statement affects me very negatively in life. Instead of stopping and asking for help in order to prevent a problem, I often continue on toward the problem, certain that it will just go away if I ignore it long enough.

Unfortunately, that is not how that works. For blisters or for life.

I began to reflect on my April-July this year. After a series of events and health issues left me struggling to physically get through most days and required 3 rounds of steroids to recover from, I remember feeling so broken and alone. I even began to resent the lack of support from others I was feeling the lack of.

But, looking back, I have to wonder: had I invited anyone into this situation? To whom had I reached out when I was in need? Did anyone know that I 'had a problem?'

Sure, some people knew bits and pieces, but I did not invite anyone to come sit with me. I felt that would be too much to put on someone else. So I put on a mask to show that I could indeed handle this on my own without help.

The Lord heard my desperate pleas for relief and provided many people to love and care for me, but I rejected His gifts. I often preach about my desire for authenticity and 'taking off of masks' when in community with fellow believers, but here I was, a mask of "I'm okay."

My pride was rearing its ugly head.

The Lord met me in this moment:

"All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because,

“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." -1 Peter 5: 5b-8

My pride puts a barrier between me and God. My enemy desires to devour me and is delighted when my pride makes his job easier. I deceive myself into thinking that I am truly alone in my struggle, sitting behind the wall that I constructed myself.

But glory be to God, He is not surprised. He knows.

"Resist him [the devil], standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." -1 Peter 5: 9-10

Glory be to God, I have hope.

I am not alone.

I cannot do what I have been called to do. I am utterly insufficient and incompetent. Yet I am asked to continue walking forward with faith in the One who has called me to such work. His sustaining hand will give me what I need, when I need it.

"His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness." 2 Peter 1:3

I am not enough.

He is.

Amen.

Thank you for continuing to follow me on my journey. I have much left to learn and I am grateful to share these lessons with you! My prayer is that they are a source of hope and comfort to you.

As I enter into my second year here, I continue to ask for your prayers:

For diligence in pursuing the Lord above all else.

For wisdom in how to move forward in this ministry I love.

For intentionality as I make new routines in a new home with new roommates.

For humility as I walk forward into another year that I cannot hope to do alone.

Thank you, dear one, for your prayers. If there is anything I can be in prayer for you about, I would love to hear from you!

Bendiciones!

-Katie