Abba, Father

I arrived back in the US early in the morning two weeks ago. I got to spend the day in Atlanta with my aunt and uncle and was blessed immensely by their generosity and hospitality. The following day, they lent me a car for this month (another huge blessing!) and I drove up to North Carolina, where I am living and learning for 4 weeks with a cross-cultural equipping course through the Center for Intercultural Training (CIT).

While I was driving up, I needed to get some groceries.

This is when I found myself inside of Walmart.

I was feeling pretty good, as my Aldi trip went well, but my confidence completely shattered as I walked through the doors and I was immediately overwhelmed by the sheer size of the building and the number of people.

To give you a picture of my normal from the past 3 years:

• Most of the stores I go to are the same size as my classroom. They have the basics, which is pretty much everything I need.

• Every once and a while, I go to the 'big store' in Tena, which is about the size of a large gas station store.

• When I go shopping, I always run into people I know from church or school. I have grown accustomed to running in small circles.

Meanwhile, at this random Walmart in North Carolina, I did not see a single person I knew in the crowds, the aisles towered over me by several feet, and there were SO MANY things.

When I finally got in line to check out, I was physically shaking and praying it would be over soon. By the grace of God, the checkout lady was very kind and the scanner had a malfunctioning speaker, meaning it did not beep at me. I'm convinced the lack of beeping was a kindness from the Lord.

I ran out of the store, got back in the car, and took several deep breaths. Eventually, I drove myself the rest of the way to the Center.

Disoriented.

Disassociated.

Disillusioned.

I was welcomed at the Center and shown to my apartment for the next 4 weeks. Walking into the small and simply decorated apartment almost led me to tears.

I finally exhaled.

You see, in order to come to this training, I left the school year early. A wonderful Spanish teacher from the States offered to take my classes for me (right after finishing her own school year!) so that I could participate.

So, after a full year of teaching, I prepared lesson plans and final evaluations, I helped to orient this substitute teacher, and I worked ahead to get the necessary plans written for next year.

And then I said a lot of tearful goodbyes.

And then I cried in the taxi on the way to the airport.

And then the airplane was delayed for an hour because the passenger reading lights weren't working for our red-eye flight. (Yes, I was really bummed I couldn't get my 2am reading session in!)

Needless to say, I was exhausted and running on fumes.

But then I got a warm hug from my Aunt and Uncle.

And they welcomed me into their home, with diet Mountain Dew waiting for me in the fridge (my guilty pleasure in the U.S.).

And they didn't bat an eye when I spent the entire afternoon in bed.

And they prepared a family dinner for me.

And they sent me off the next day in their car, with a full tank of gas and tires that had been freshly topped off.

And CIT received me warmly with a quiet space for myself.

And I was able to sleep for 10 hours a night for a week.

And now I am surrounded by instructors with similar experiences to me, who understand what I am wrestling with and who encourage me with Truth.

And now I am with mission-minded classmates who want to learn more about how to do ministry well, both with others and their own hearts.

And now I am being humbled as the Lord is compassionately holding up a mirror to my own heart.

And now the Lord is reminding me of His great love for me.

And I exhale.

In the past two weeks, I have been reminded of my tendency to think of God as my work supervisor; He gives me work to do and I must buckle down and accomplish it by my own strength. If I can't do it or if I burn out, it is because I did something wrong or because I am not spiritual enough.

And that is simply a lie.

"For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by Him we cry, “Abba, Father. The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children." (Romans 8:14-16)

I do not renounce the slavery of sin to then willingly submit myself to fear.

I renounce sin again and again because I am the daughter of my Abba.

My Abba is Love.

He is to be feared, yes, but not because of His anger or my shame, rather because of His awesome power and untouchable holiness that I cannot even begin to comprehend.

"Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in His sufferings in order that we may also share in His glory." (Romans 8:17)

“Abba Father, if You are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but Yours be done.” (Luke 22:42)

The suffering that we experience is real, but it does not change the fact that we have a kind Abba who loves us perfectly. And I can also take comfort in the fact that I am not alone in my suffering, both with my brother Jesus Christ as well as my brothers and sisters here on earth.

It also means I can accept the rest He offers me as I trust Him to complete the work He started. He does not depend on me.

We are being sanctified, a painful, often humiliating, process as we continuously come to terms with our own humanity. But, we have hope in the future that we will one day look back on our earthly life as something light and momentary; it will be the short leading up to looking Abba in the eyes and embracing Him with nothing between us.

"I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." (Ephesians 3:16-21)

Thank you for following me and walking alongside me in this journey! As I finish this equipping course, I ask for your prayers:

• For my heart in this unique time of rest and learning- that I wouldn’t shy away or be distracted from what the Lord is teaching and showing me.

• For Antioch as school wraps up at the end of June- for perseverance for both the students and the teachers to end well.

• For the graduating class as they spend their last days on campus to go out and take their first steps post-high school. 2 students will even be going to the U.S. for college!

• For our organization as we go through yet another transition in leadership.

Please let me know if I can join you in prayer for anything currently on your heart!

¡Bendiciones!

-Katie